I didn’t know the difference between love and fascination. And honestly, sometimes I still don’t. I didn’t know what being in love should feel like. At that age, you just get so attached to anyone who makes you feel wanted and pretty.
Back then, I thought love was supposed to make you feel crazy. I thought to be with someone for a long time, meant you were soulmates. But time has nothing to do with love.
Looking back at how lovestruck I was over someone who didn’t have my best interest and used me, makes me a feel a bit ashamed. But I was young and naive, consumed by feelings I didn’t understand. I didn’t know any better.
I couldn’t distinguish between love or lust, good or bad, I just gave my heart to anyone who seemed to want it. I often fell for all the wrong people and pushed the good ones away. I’d waste time stressing over people who didn’t care about me and foolishly chased the most absent of hearts.
I thought I knew it all, but really I didn’t know a damn thing. One thing led to another, and I got myself involved in a serious relationship. It felt like a dramatic-soap opera, compromised of spontaneous moments that never ended. I was so blinded by ‘love’ that I ended up staying in a toxic and destructive relationship for years.
First loves are intense and messy. You meet someone, fall in love, go through hell and back, get hurt, and never see or speak to that person again. They become a ghost you don’t know anymore. A distant star you can’t see, but still remains somewhere in the sky.
Every love has a purpose. Every relationship we go through has a beginning and ending. None of them last forever, but they all teach you a valuable lesson. Relationships change you, and so does falling out of love with someone. Going through a toxic relationship only made me stronger, more mature, wiser, and more aware.
Despite all the chaos, sadness and pain love has brought me in the past, it eventually led me to a better place.
Sure, I lost my mind a few dozen times, cried myself to sleep most nights, and acted like a crazy person out of spite–but all in all, I meant well. I lived, I tried, I learned. And found love within.
Sometimes we get involved with the wrong people, only because they end up leading us to the right ones. I don’t regret meeting the people I’ve fallen in and out of love with, because if it weren’t for them, I literally wouldn’t be where I am today.